Arts & Leisure Suit

Pipe-Up, Sixth & Seventh Congress, HOLIDAY Edition, December 2012

Congrats to the Confessor
 
All members of the Pipe Club extend their hearty congratulations to The Confessor on his upcoming nuptials. As a result of his intended espousal, The Confessor’s collection of inflatable companions will be auctioned off after the first of the year.



Bonneville Speedster

Dolch to purchase Club sponsored Bonneville Speedster. This ‘99 Pontiac Firebird is to be modified with the intent of running it in 2013 in Willmington, OH at The Ohio Mile and later in the summer at the Bonneville Salt Flats, Utah during Speed Week with the goal of exceeding 200 MPH. The car will be embolden with the Club’s Shield which will make it go faster. (NO, we are not allowed to touch it.)


BULLEIT RYE NAMED OFFICIAL SHOT
If anything came from the Sixth Congress it would be the unanimous vote for Bulleit Rye as the Club’s official shot.
Bulleit Rye is a sensitive blend of...Ah screw it...It does the trick. Just ask your bartender for the Pipe Club shot. If they don’t know what you mean, you’re in the wrong place. 

The Back Page
Musings By Mr. J. Back, The Confessor

Fruitcake. I keep fruitcake under my pillow to share with my friends that live under my bed. They come out at night to steal my teeth and nibble cake. They leave crumbs and make my sheets wet. I call them my friends but actually I am terrified of them. I was seeking professional help but my friends under the bed told me to stop. They said what I need is more fruitcake and perhaps
a nutty roll. I like nutty rolls. Do you have friends like mine under your bed?  My friends say you do.

Club Rooms Decorated

Pipe-Up, Sixth & Seventh Congress, HOLIDAY Edition, December 2012

The Pipe Club membership would like to thank Kelsey who spent several evenings decorating the Club’s Library and Lounge Rooms (pictured above) located on the 5th floor of the Neons building. Kelsey adorned the rooms in an English-Country-Manor style taking great care to highlight the Club’s emblem and each members personal tastes which are reflected in her hand-crafted crystal ornaments that festoon the holiday tree. Each member’s unique ornament is hung on the tree according to rank, as is the tradition of the Club, with the exception of the President, whom for some reason, chose to be represented by a strip of cooked bacon.

The Club is also pleased to report that after Kelsey’s unfortunate mishap with the elevator shaft last year, The Rotating Bookcase that provides access to the lift and thus the Club rooms on the 5th floor has been repaired. This repair provided Kelsey a safe environment for ferrying the tree and other decorations into the Club.

Members please note, as a result of the expense for the passage way repair, the Club’s Library, Billiard Room and Lockers will not be decorated this holiday season, however, peppermints, leeks and marzipan will continue to be provided in all rooms of the Club throughout the holiday season.

The Smoke'n Traveler

Pipe-Up, Sixth & Seventh Congress, HOLIDAY Edition, December 2012

Club Vice President, Mr. J. Carr studies the beach culture in Playa-Del-Carmen, Mexico while smoking his Nutty Cut in a Karl Eric briar. Mr. Carr is sporting the “lost luggage” look while contemplating his future design of the “hands-free” coconut bra.

Treasurer, Mr. B. Johnson takes in a game at Horseshoe Stadium in Columbus, OH. He displays his favorite bulldog while thinking about nerdy girls in the band, coconuts and their cosmos.

Happy holidays from the Dicky Dog.

I’m sure some of you will be joining him in the coming year.

Abandon Ship!

And Don't Forget the Tobacco!
By Mr. M. Walker, President
Pipe-Up, Sixth & Seventh Congress, December 2012
In an abandoned brick 4-story in lovely OTR I recently discovered a cache of paper backs and one entitled True Stories of Courage and Survival, selected by the editors of The Saturday Evening Post  (15 copyrights 1938-1966). In that collection was an account titled "The Open Boat (26 pgs)" by Frank E. Croft.

On June 4, 1923 the British tramp SS Trevessa sank 1,700 miles from shore. She was loaded with zinc from Australia headed to South Africa. Within 15 minutes of first pitching forward in the water she was gone. Forty-four sailors henceforth coexisted in two 26ft wooden lifeboats, brutally overcrowded. "In less than 20 minutes they had provisioned the two starboard lifeboats with biscuits, condensed milk, and water. A quantity of cigarettes and tobacco was added; then the boats were lowered (p.7) - my bold."  In the end using sun and stars to navigate they landed on islands in Mauritius. One boat travelled 2,300 miles in 25 days -- one of the longest unbroken voyages in an open boat on record!

But let's return to the tobacco.
 "The total food supply, including the lifeboat's regular stores, was 2 breakers of water (9 gallons), 6 tins of biscuits and 130 tins of condensed milk. Each boat had more than 2,000 cigarettes and about 10 lbs of tobacco. The total of safety matches was about a dozen boxes (p.10) ." The men were intermittently baked and soaked by the elements, frozen then roasted. The daily rationing of water dwindled pathetically from one full tablespoon to half that amount in the final days.

The SS Trevessa was carrying zinc concentrates.

"Twenty-four men in a 26 foot boat, they were jammed together like bleacherites at a ball game. To take a match box or pipe from a pocket required a minor act of contortion. Backs and hips seemed pierced with needles. Legs and arms were stiff and sore. They were hungry, with a hunger which stabbed at their bellies in its first flush of anger. Above all, they were thirsty. They tried to ignore hunger and thirst by smoking, and partially succeeded. Smoking, strangely, did not increase thirst, but allayed it (p.11)."

From time to time I have wondered about the effect smoking has on thirst.  As a land-locked Hoosier boy in the 60's-70's growing up in rural southern Indiana I watched quarry workers blast and cut multi-ton stone blocks. It was all a big heap of dust and sweat. At break time these men white with limestone and lips parched would pull out pipes and cigarettes - before they received their cups of water, implying the tobacco was more important. You could chalk it up to addiction, but I think there is more to it.

The Trevessa was wrecked 1,640 miles west of Fremantle,
one lifeboat made it to Bel-Hombre, the other to
Rodriguez Island. One boat travelled 2,300 miles
in 25 days—One of the longest on record.

"The cigarettes and tobacco were an inestimable boon. They provided a comfort which the survivors afterward said was valued more than food. It was noteworthy that two nonsmokers acquired the habit after the first week, when they saw their fellows deriving so much satisfaction from it. (p.23)." Ten died but though on average 30 pounds lighter miraculously 34 of the 44 sailors survived, over 3 weeks in the open sea. Could tobacco have played a key role in their survival?  We may never know.

Try pursuing a grant today for a study designed to show anything positive coming from tobacco smoking?!  You'd be escorted to an institution. What is clear is in 1923 for the men of the SS Trevessa  smoking pipes and cigarettes was essential to their endurance and to their survival.  Think about it.  In a fast sinking ship you have 20 minutes to provision your life boat, to be stuffed with humanity, what do you include?  In those days on a par with water, biscuits, and condensed milk it was a couple thousand cigarettes and pounds of tobacco!  Today what, twinkies and cell phones? 

So if a cruise is in your future you may consider swinging by Strauss along the way to stock up on provisions.  Who knows, the way cruise ships founder these days you may have just saved your life.

Master mariner Cecil Foster of the Hain Line steamer Trevessa was personally credited with having led over three quarters of his crew to safety. Foster learned survival lessons from his experiences in World War I.

90 years ago he became an overnight celebrity. There were newsreel appearances, a best-selling book and even an audience with King George V.   He died aged 40 in 1930.

VP Explores South of Border

By Mr. J. Carr, Pipe-Up Editor & Chief

Carr arrives at base camp accompanied by his parrot
Mitzy shortly before he became surrounded by natives.

Pipe-Up, Sixth & Seventh Congress, December 2012

The Club’s Vice-President recently returned from an expedition to the Caribbean regions along the Mexican coast in hopes of establishing a foothold for the Club.  Preparations for the trip had been on-going several months prior with the acquisition of supplies, porters and mules for the arduous journey.  A stroke of luck befell Carr when he discovered an aerodrome with flying machines capable of ferrying passengers within 50 kilometers of his intended base camp. Supplies returned, porters discharged and mules eaten, Carr made record time with the lightened load.

While communication with the natives proved difficult, a relationship was established between Carr and a local fish hunter. Dialogue was established via a Canadian interpreter.  Carr, being somewhat fluent in Canadian, was able to make a connection with a Mr. H. Ryan who as it turned out was not native but an American from Memphis who, after going out for a pack of smokes, became lost ending up in this remote tropical location.

Carr defending his base camp from hostile natives.

As a sign of friendship, tobacco was exchanged. Ryan was impressed with the Karl Eric pipe that was offered. Carr was equally impressed with Ryan’s unique blend of local leaf and, after waking up, traded him some shiny beads for more.

After Ryan returned from a hunt in the sea of Mega-Mart, 2 large fish were shared, between the hunter and explorer after which more smoke was taken and several naps in between.

Carr captured this rare photo of the local native
women living in the rafters of the palapa.

Overall Carr found the natives unusual but friendly. Three of the tribal women who lived in the rafters of the main palapa were confused by the pale visitor with the smoking head. The women were soon calmed with the offering of doce pesos (.92c US) each, which they pooled together to purchase libation.

This is when Carr realized the main palapa was in fact a beach bar owned by Ryan. How he missed the steady stream of tourists, flashy lights, live music and extensive array of tequilas must have been a result of the local leaf. Shortly thereafter Carr was handed a tab that had been running since the explorer first arrived and was reminded that the large gratuity expected had not been included in the final summation. Oddly, the natives no longer desired the shiny beads used previously but were insistent on the left-over U.S. currency the explorer had not burned in the warming fire made on the flying machine. Left with nothing more than a few shiny beads, he reflected that selling the mules may have been wiser.

After settling up, Carr and Ryan discussed the future over some of the local leaf. Much was discussed about the club’s rituals and Ryan soon converted to the way of the pipe after Carr explained the black leggings and shorts, while encouraged, were optional. Carr left the village and natives behind with the promise of return. Ryan too promised to honor the rituals or to at least act like it when like-minded tourists were around.

A Gentleman’s Guide to Living

Mr. J. Stepp

The Best Time for a Pipe

By Mr. J. Stepp
Pipe-Up, Sixth & Seventh Congress, December 2012

While one could argue there is no truly bad time for a pipe...Well, maybe there is like while filling your car up with gasoline, or buying fireworks or cradling a newborn baby...

...Let me begin again.

Smoking a pipe is an enjoyable experience but the act is sometimes more enjoyable, and more appropriate, than others.

 Here are a few examples:

Times when you need to relax. Or have fun. Or are about to face a firing squad. After sex. Or before sex. Or even during sex if you’re careful. While wearing a tweed jacket. While relaxing in your club chair after all your other furniture has been repossessed. While drinking scotch or cognac. Or brandy or port. I guess while drinking anything. Drinking and smoking are like yin and yang. Abbott and Costello. Cheech and Chong. (I know a method to easily extract the seeds. But I digress.) While surfing the web for a mail order bride. While mooning Grant at Strauss during a drive by in the ‘68 LTD Presidential Pipe Mobile. After your friends and relatives have told you they are planning an intervention. After you spent your paycheck on a Borsalino fedora and Charlie Mingus records. While watching Rick Steve’s Travel videos or The Food Channel or Bugs Bunny. After dining on a bag of Dorito’s and a 6 pack of High Life.
As you can see, there are many opportunities to enhance an already enjoyable smoke.  So, if you are experiencing the same life enriching experiences as I am.

Join me. Light up!

Round The Front Page

Club President Mr. M. Walker

Walker Predicts Winter
Pipe-Up, Sixth & Seventh Congress, December 2012
Club President Mr. M. Walker made an astounding prediction at the 6th Congress held in October; “Winter is Coming.” Upon assuring the membership that his prediction would coincide with the end of the world, scheduled for December 21st, members voted to reschedule the “destruction of mankind” to the following Friday to better suit their schedules.

Walker’s prediction was proven by scientists who studied several calendars and proclaimed him to be accurate as the words ”Winter Begins” was printed on all annuals used in the research. Scientists confirmed Winter was to begin on December 21st but they decided to reschedule the event to the following Tuesday to coincide with Christmas. Adjusting your calendars in advance is recommended.

Pipe Club Holiday
Cocktail Party
The first annual Pipe Club holiday party will be taking place on December 25th at The Famous Neons Unplugged. All members, their significant others, as well as non members are welcome to gather for this auspicious occasion. The time will be determined by when you arrive. Don’t be late.

JOHNSON IS STUCK UP!

By Mr. B. Rinehart

Club Treasurer, Mr. B. Johnson and a Mr. S. Claus were recently held-up on Fountain Square. Mr. Johnson reports the bandit (who appeared in every way not unlike the Confessor) was holding what appeared to be a weapon or a falafel in a threatening manner. Apart from the perceived threat, the rapscallion was thoughtful enough to snap a pic at Johnson’s request before absconding with several tins of Christmas Blend of which  Johnson was donating to local orphans via Claus.

Authorities claim Claus is not without suspicion in the matter. Records show approximately “eleventy billion” cases of breaking and entering during past holiday seasons may be tied to Claus. He is currently wanted for questioning in both cases and has not responded.

New Members

Pipe-Up, Sixth & Seventh Congress, December 2012

The Pipe Club formally welcomes new members Mr. B. Hague and Mr. C. Hochscheid.

 

Sponsored by the Vice-President, Mr. J. Carr,  Mr. B. Hague was voted in at the 6th Congress. Mr. Hague joins as the club’s “Captain of The Bar” as a result of his superior knowledge of libations and the mixing thereof.

 

Mr. Hague is pictured here enjoying his Danish briar round the wood pile where he often sits to reflect and sometime orate excessively long Norse sagas to an audience of imaginary woodland creatures that he claims to interact with on a regular basis

The Ambassador, Mr. S. Griffith presented  Mr. C. Hochscheid at the 7th Congress. Mr. Hochscheid arrived to the congress with copious amounts of leaf and was quickly voted in so that all members could take advantage of his gracious offering.
 
Mr. Hochscheid enjoys both pipes and cigars, tweeting, cat videos, and long pipe club meetings where nothing gets accomplished.

Sixth & Seventh Congress

At the 6th Congress, Club members welcome in Mr. B. Hague, Captain of The bar into the fold.

Pipe-Up, Sixth & Seventh Congress, December 2012

My Big Johnson Report
From the Ministry of Finance & Records
Mr. B. Johnson, Treasurer
Treasurer's Report: Adjusted for inflation, the balance is: I forgot. Catch me next congress.

Minutes of the Sixth Congress
The 6th Congress convened on October 19, 2012, at Neon's.  Present were Messrs. M. Walker, J. Carr, B. Johnson, S. Griffith, R. Browne and J. Stepp.  Absent with approval were Messrs. J. Back, M. Flagler and B. Joyce.
 Mr. Carr happily reported that he cast his vote, before departing on a two-week fact-finding junket to Mexico. 
 In Old Business, Mr. Griffith reported that he has two potential member pledges, but he has received no on-line applications. He has; however, received several replies to his Christian Mingles ad.  
 In New Business, the Club unanimously approved the membership of Mr. B. Hague.  The Official Club Holiday Party was tentatively scheduled for December 25, 2012.   I had been drinking relatively heavily for a Tuesday (not really, I drink heavily on days that end in Y), so this is where the minutes get a little foggy.
 The topic of Pipe Club attire was discussed, as was the creation of a Club cocktail (assigned to Mr. B. Hague) and shot which was determined to be Bulleit Rye. President M. Walker suggested signage for the Pipe Club-mobile, and Vice President J. Carr said he would send the file containing the crest to a printer guy.  (I'm pretty sure he said "printer guy.")
 President M. Walker will draft a mission statement for the Club, and we shall discuss the location of Club meetings during the long, cold, lonely Winter months.
 The meeting was then closed, and the members retreated to the bar for jocularity and/or merriment.  I shall endeavor
to do better next time with the minutes. 

Mr. C. Hochscheid, seated third from the right, was introduced
at the 7th Congress

Minutes of the Seventh Congress
The 7th Congress convened on November 14, 2012, at Famous Neon's Unplugged.  In attendance were Messrs. Walker, Carr, Johnson, Stepp, Griffith, Browne and Back.  Absent were Messrs. Flagler, Hague and Joyce.
President Walker called the meeting to order.  The handsome treasurer reported a balance of $110 in the coffers.  Minutes from the 6th Congress were approved.
Mr. Griffith nominated Mr. Hochscheid for membership.  After Mr. Hosscenfolhenfelferfeldeir presented a exemplary array of tobacco for the members' use, his nomination was unanimously approved.
Introduced, voted-on & approved; we welcomed Mr. Hochscheid into the club.
Mr. Browne displayed his collection of artistic photographs from his recent fact finding mission to Key West. 
The club's Christmas party shall be at 6:00 p.m. on December 25, 2012, at Famous Neon's Unplugged. Guests are permitted, and gifts for the secretary/treasurer are encouraged.  The 8th Congress may convene during the party, dependent upon the level of sobriety or lack thereof.
President Walker discussed his total lack of effort to draft a club mission statement, and it was determined that a glossary made be needed after the phrases "pack the pipe" and "rub it out" were loosely bandied about.
It was determined that Batsakes will be designated as the official hat shop for the club, and preliminary plans for a club trip to the Schwartz Point jazz club were discussed. —Due to the temperatures and apathy of the members, the meeting was adjourned to the bar.

Arts & Leisure Suit

Pipes & Tattoos Goo Goo G'joob!
Recently, while sitting on a cornflake, waiting for the van to come, I noticed Ms. Danielle of Neons, purveyoress of fine libation, had crowned her knee with an illustrious walrus gent. The monocled Sir is smoking a Calabash pipe with a meerschaum bowl.

No definitive answer yet as to what Sir may be smoking but we suspect it would not be found at our local tobacconist.
I kindly thank Ms. Danielle who was gracious enough to adorn her body in homage to the pipe club, posing for a couple of snappers as well as serving up pints to the musical stylings of her elementary penguin singing Hari Krishna.

The Smoke’n Traveler

Club President, Mr. M. Walker stands outside of a shop in New Orleans. Mr. Walker thinks that the sign is referring to “tobacco pipe” and not one of the many bongs on the top shelf above the Swisher Sweet cigars. He is sporting a white tee and matching plastic cup he found in the street.

Club Vice President, Mr. J. Carr and Ambassador Mr. S. Griffith traveled recently for a Reds game to the far end of the bar. The trip itself was uneventful with the exception of when Mr. B. Johnson, who was to accompany them on the journey, became confused as to which end of the bar they were to destin. A good Samaritan provided directions and after rotating 180 degrees Mr. Johnson eventually found his way in time for the first pitch.





The Back Page
Musings By Mr. J. Back, The Confessor

The French. Hmmmm...the French, let me see...I like their toast. Their toast is good. Sometimes I have their toast in the morning and sometimes I do not. Their toast is very popular so I think they must grow a lot of it. I would like to visit a toast farm and maybe grow some toast of my own. If I grew my own toast it would not be their toast it would be something else...like, just regular toast which is not as good as their toast. I really like their toast.

“So it shall be for all time. If discord has broken out between two beings, let them smoke together. United by this bond, they will live in peace and friendship thereafter.”
-Attributed to the Great Manitu

Tobacconists

 

Mr. B. Johnson, Treasurer

Pipe-Up, Fourth & Fifth Congress, October 2012
 

Over the Independence Day holiday, I travelled to Milwaukee for a few days of rest and relaxation.  While there I enjoyed a Brewers game, a music festival, fireworks, lots of beer and cheese and alternating bouts off diarrhea and constipation.  One of the highlights of the trip was a visit with my son, Mr. C. Johnson, to the Uhle Tobacco Company in downtown.  Reminiscent of Strauss Tobacconist, Uhle boasts a wide selection of house-made tobacco, a smoking lounge and convenient access to a pub via a back hallway.  I recommend the Christmas Blend, so popular that it is made year-round.

In early August, I spent a leisurely weekend in Chicago.  While there I enjoyed a Cubs game, a music festival, lots of beer, Chicago-style hotdogs and pizza, resulting in alternating bouts of diarrhea and constipation.  Before watching the Cubs lose to the Reds I visited Iwan Ries & Co. tobacco shop, which claims to be the oldest family-owned tobacco store in the country.  Located downtown, the store contains a large smoking lounge with several HD TVs, free wi-fi and a large selection of all-things tobacco.  A visit to Iwan Ries is highly recommend, but please beware of too much Old Style Lite.
 

Editor’s Note: Mr. B. Johnson’s bodily functions expressed here as diarrhea and constipation may not accurately reflect the actions, conditions or opinions of this publication, the Pipe Club, or all or most of it’s members. This also includes his possible future detailed descriptions of bowel movements, incontinence, bladder control issues, involuntary breaking of wind, explosive releases and sharts. Please contact Mr. Johnson directly, and not this publication, for more information about his bodily functions.

A Gentlemen’s Guide; Pipe Packing

By Mr. S. Griffith, Ambassador
Pipe-Up, Fourth & Fifth Congress, October 2012

Pipe Packing is a bit like sex. Everyone has their own technique and everyone thinks they know how to do it best.

The goal of any well packed bowl of tobacco is to smoothly burn through it all without requiring additional lighting. As noble an aspiration as this is, it is typically unlikely given the randomness of many factors including your tobacco, pipe, moisture content, wind, smoking style, packing style, etc. Before starting your packing, run a pipe cleaner through the stem clearing any ash or debris that might get in the way of a good burn.

The technique I’ve been subscribing to is the 3 tier technique. Scoop a full bowl of tobacco into your pipe and then pack it down firmly so that the top is below the halfway point in the bowl. Remember that the tobacco needs to be tightly packed enough so that touching bits can light each other as you are providing the oxygen. Using a tool is recommended to make it easier, cleaner and so that you do not look a cretin. Blow into the pipe to make sure you have not packed too tightly and air will be able to flow.

Refill the pipe again and this time pack it a little less tight to about three fourths full. You should be able still easily blow through the pipe. Finally, top it off with one last fill with the lightest packing so that the tobacco is just below the brim of the pipe. —Just remember: Firm, medium & light is the way to pack your pipe.

Executive Reflections

By Mr. M. Walker, President
Pipe-Up, Fourth & Fifth Congress, October 2012

As our legions of devoted readers know most of our Pipe Club members are avid baseball fans. Of course we love our Reds. In fact we spend many an evening and weekend at our favorite outdoor watering hole Neon's watching Reds games, pipes ablaze. Of the 162 regular season games this year I'd say we watched 2/3 of them at Neon's, that's around 108 games. If you figure an average game is three hours we spent 324 hours or 14 days -  two solid weeks  - of our lives on bar stools watching the drama unfold. And what time well spent! First of all you're outside at Neon's, only a mile or two from the stadium. So during home games you're experiencing the same weather as the team and the fans. They're hot we're hot. Windy there we're also dealing with the wind; amazing how a steady wind will sustain the burn in your pipe. Rain delay we huddle under the bar overhang and ride it out like the fans who take shelter. Sun comes out fans happy we're happy.

But besides beer 1/2 the ball park price, here's the biggest advantage we have over the fans: we're enjoying the game the way it was meant to be enjoyed, with fine tobacco. Take a look at classic baseball footage. As the camera pans into the stands pipes and cigars abound. Those ball park days have disappeared of course, gone to baseball heaven. Some might say they've given way to America's true deadly addiction: food. But they're alive and well at Neon's! Plus I've always maintained you pay more attention to and learn more about the game with the TV volume off. Just like at the ball park you have to keep your eyes peeled, no platitude happy commentator rehashing each and every play. And at Neon's we listen to good music during the game, not that jangling nonsense they spew over the stadium loud speakers. So with fall in the air here we are in the post season. There's nothing like pipe smoking in sweater weather, crisp, clear, the nostalgic aroma of the blends. So though we'll share the chilly weather with the fans, the Pipe Club will cheer the Reds on with smoke rising and baseball tradition smiling down.

Back Named Confessor

The Confessor

President Mr. M. Walker has, for reasons known only to him, bestowed the title of “The Confessor” upon Mr. J. Back. This, to the confusion of Mr. Back, has stuck and is now considered the appropriate greeting for whence Mr. Back makes entry.
The last known piper to hold this title was Edward The Confessor, King of England (1005 to 1066). Eddie was banished from his realm and consequently met with a rather nasty end. We wish Mr. Back more success with this title than his predecessor.


Pipe-Up, Fourth & Fifth Congress, October 2012

Editor's Note
Pipe-Up has shifted to bi-monthly publishing. We would like to provide well worded balderdash about how this change was done to benefit our loyal readers like the Cincinnati Enquirer did but there is enough exaggerated nonsense on these pages already. (note also written so I could use the word balderdash)

Clearing The Air

 By Mr. J. Carr, Pipe-Up Editor
Pipe-Up, Fourth & Fifth Congress, October 2012

Enough is enough. Its time to clear the air and recognize the elephant in the room. Of course, I’m referring to the over-sized Danish blimp that eclipses Mr. R. Browne’s noggin every time he fires up that two ton Viking briar.  We all recognize it as the largest briar in the club. We also know you have other pipes you could occasionally bring to gatherings as opposed to knocking over half the drinks on the bar with that over-sized sequoia smoker. You have the largest briar! There, now get over yourself (PS, If you are willing to part with it, call me.)

Club Welcomes New Members

Moments before his watch went missing, Mr. B. Joyce (left) is welcomed into the Pipe Club by his sponsor Mr. J. Carr (right).

Pipe-Up, Fourth & Fifth Congress, October 2012

Mr. B. Rinehart, Hard-nose investigative reporter of stuff.
Rinehart is guest contributor; his name and image used without consent, content herein published without his knowledge and set forth with a total disregard for his reputation. 

After several months of negotiations, Mr. B. Joyce has finally joined the club. Mr. J. Carr, Joyce’s sponsor, rushed through an impromptu vote with an unsuspecting quorum during commercial break of a recent Reds game. “Several clubs were courting  Joyce for the same position on their roster so we took advantage of the situation. No, I don’t think he wanted to join but we made several promises we have no intention on keeping and I think that swayed him.” said Carr.

The addition of Joyce is not without controversy. The incident with the two chickens and the grapefruit continues to dog him in the tabloids with Joyce still claiming not to have known either of the fowl prior to the first explosion.

In addition to Joyce, Mr. B. Johnson sponsored and carried through a successful vote for Mr. M. Flagler. Flagler is a long time pipe smoker and Cincinnati firefighter. Members feel that Flagler’s profession will come in handy from time to time based on past experiences. Flagler’s controversy stems from invisibility. Some members have a vague recollection of seeing him but until a photo is on file, he will continue to be known as another one of Mr. B. Johnson’s imaginary friends.

Fourth & Fifth Congress

Members attending the Fifth Congress at Neons on the patio. Present were Mr. R. Browne, Mr. J. Carr, VP, Mr. M. Walker, Pres., Mr. B. Johnson, Tres., Mr. J. Back, Conf. & Mr. S. Griffith, Amb.

Pipe-Up, Fourth/Fifth Congress, October 2012

My Big Johnson Report
From the Ministry of Finance & Records
Mr. B. Johnson, Treasurer

Treasurer's Report: Adjusted for inflation, the balance is $90, or 72 euro.
 

Minutes of the Fourth Congress 

The Fourth Congress met on August 7, 2012, at the Famous Neon's Unplugged. 
President M. “Ole Double Dicky” Walker gavelled the meeting to order.  In attendance were Messers. Martin, Carr, Browne, Griffith, Back and Johnson.  Absent was Mr. Stepp, the member that requested the move to Tuesday. (Tsk, Tsk Mr. Stepp.)
Mr. Carr moved, and with a second the motion carried, that at the closing gavel; Mr. Stepp be designated Dicky Ole Boy.
In old business, Mr. Back said an old wooden box will be refurbished to hang in the bar.  Mr. Back pledged to attempt to have the box ready for the next Congress.  The contents will be limited to each member's discretion, preferably pipes and tobacco, and slots shall be limited to those meetings that contribute top the cost of the lock.
After much cajoling, Mr. Back (aka Neon's co-owner) agreed to provide a round of semi-manly shots on behalf of Neon's.  They were accepted with gratitude.
Mr. Griffith reported that there were no on- line applications.  And apparently no off-line applications.
After much deliberation, the Club’s official hand shake, created by Mr. R. Browne, was approved although allowing for an individual ending flourish.
After a break for beverages, new business was taken up.  A busy day is planned for August 18: a morning trip to Strauss, followed by Knock-Back Nats and then Neon's.
After - again - much deliberation, the club agreed to continue the Tuesday meetings, albeit in the absence of Mr.Stepp who requested the Tuesday meetings.
Mr. Back made a toast. The toast was recalled as being suitable to the occasion but unmemorable in its context.
With the adjournment of the meeting and the closing gavel, Mr. Walker relinquished the Double-Dicky designation.  Congratulations Mr. Stepp.
 

Minutes of the Fifth Congress
The 5th Congress convened at 6:00 p.m. on September 4, 2012, the Famous Neon's Unplugged.  President Walker convened the meeting and called the roll.  All members were present.
In Old Business, Mr. Back reported that no progress had been made on the pipe cabinet, blaming Hurricane Irene for the delay.  Mr. Johnson said he would supply the club's house tobacco thanks to the eight kilos, er, ounces purchased by his well-meaning but confused daughter.
In New Business, the club voted to move to a bimonthly publication of the newsletter.  Mr. Carr reported that he will miss the November meeting, along with the World Series and general election, due to a pre-arranged spa treatment. Mr. Carr also reported that Speed Racer Michael Dolch, of Neon's bartending fame, will attempt to reach 200 miles-per-hour next year at the Bonneville Salts Flats.  The club's sponsorship will be reflected on the car, and the club will offer support in other ways (nothing sexual).
The club will hold a Strauss visit, meeting the tobacconist at noon on September 22nd.  The group will consider possible locations for its winter meetings, and it will also consider arrangements for a holiday party (perhaps something sexual).
The club adjourned the meeting for a round of shots at the bar.

ARTS & LEISURE SUIT

Pipe-Up, THird Congress, August 2012

“A pipe in the mouth makes it clear that there has been no mistake–you are undoubtedly a man.”
-A. A. Milne

The Smoke'n Traveler

Club Treasurer, Mr. B. Johnson, draws his pipe at the famous Uhle’s Tobacco shop in downtown Milwaukee. Mr. Johnson is puffing a rather expensive blend borrowed from Mr. J. Carr without his knowledge. He fashions the untucked look with a deep navy cotton polo, dark rimmed glasses, and pale skin. Mr. Johnson enjoys Reds baseball, crosswords, quiet strolls to the tavern, and undulating inappropriately in public places.

Club Vice President, Mr. J. Carr, takes a puff on the patio at The Hard Rock Cafe in Nashville. Mr. Carr checks the draw on his Peterson Aran whilst enjoying his personal blend as he could not locate the more expensive tobacco he bought at Straus for this trip. Mr. Carr sports the “hairy chest look” with dichromatic eyes and a white linen shirt. Mr. Carr enjoys the beach, passport photos and staring off into space.

Club Member, Mr. R. Browne, burns a briar on the waters of Michigan somewhere near the Canadian border. Mr. Browne tokes his Italian made smoker while pretending he’s looking somewhere other than at the boat next to him. Mr. Browne shows off the “I’m not looking” look with a casual tee, dark shorts, and lager beer accessory. Mr. Browne enjoys avoiding the use of contractions, Canadians, and acting like he's not looking.

Club Ambassador, Mr. S. Griffith enjoys a puff and stroll along the riverfront in downtown Pittsburgh. Mr. Griffith handles his Czech pipe filled with Mac Barrens Scottish blend. Mr. Griffith sports the “mug me” look with a jaunty chapeau, thick glasses, camera bag and a general look of being lost. Mr. Griffith enjoys thinking about social media but not participating, long walks in the park at night, flashing his bling and puppies.

The Back Page

Musings By Mr. J. Back

If  I were a fishstick I would hang with other fishsticks and we would be fishstick friends and we would have fishstick fun. Then someone would eat us and that, maybe, would not be so much fun but I would still have my fishstick friends and I think that would be fun...I think. Wait, I am not sure now. Perhaps being a fishstick would not be that much fun. I no longer wish to be a fishstick. Now I am sad because I will miss my fishstick friends.

Straus Tobacconists, Walnut Street, Downtown Cincinnati, Ohio

From Left: The Vice President, The Secretary Treasurer, President Dicky2, The Sargent at Arms, The Ambassador